Sand: A Star Wars Story
by SpringyFredbearSuit
Summary: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... There was a sandy slave boy called Anakin. Anakin didn't like sand as it was coarse, rough, irritating and it got everywhere. So he came up with a plan to escape Tatooine and destroy the sand once and for all, teaming up with fan favorites such as C3PO and Obi 'Kobe' Kenobi. (M for foul language)
1. The Sandy Slave Boy

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a midget boy living on Tatooine. This boy was called Anakin. Anakin didn't like sand. It was coarse, rough, irritating, and it got everywhere. This hatred of sand always flowed through him, causing him to scare off travellers so they wouldn't have to experience the horrible sandy planet. Ironic he could save others from the sand, but not himself.

One day, Anakin was working overtime for Watto. Well, working doesn't really describe it, considering he was a slave boy. Watto was a dick. Watto's nose was a dick. Anakin thought he was compensating for something with his dick nose of his. Anakin was putting stuff into storage when Watto yeeted "Anakin you wankstain, I needs ya!" so Anakin replied "waddya want ya floating pile of dick cheese?" Anakin was allowed to badmouth Watto because all the other slaves were retarded and didn't know how to fix Watto's piles of shit. "You need to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters you fucktard!" Anakin then said "Fine, I'm going you blue bastard!" And so he did.

An hour later, Anakin was on his way back from Tosche Station with the power converters when he went past a pile of crap. Not just any pile of crap, one which contained something interesting to the slave boy. It was some sort of droid. Anakin thought that he could reprogram it to play Sabacc which could get him enough credits to get a steady supply of deathsticks. Anakin loved deathsticks, especially after a dealer visited Mos Eisley. He talked about a city planet called Coruscant. It was full of deathsticks. Anakin wanted to go there. So Anakin decided to haul the remains of the droid back to his slave shack and to fuck with Watto by delivering his power converters in the morning instead.

Once Anakin arrived, his mother yelled at him. "Waddya think yer doing being out this late. You coulda died ya bastard" Anakin was a bastard. Apparently there was no father but Anakin knew his mother was full of shit. He had a hunch it was the deathstick dealer from Coruscant. Anakin didn't mind this, he seemed to be a great role model for the young slave boy. "We're slaves for fucks sake, Watto was working me overtime!" Anakin was about to go to his room with the droid but his mother saw. "What is that?" "It's a fucking droid you dipshit!" Anakin then went to his room.

Anakin turned the droid off and on again. This was his secret weapon when fixing Watto's shit. All technology works when turned off and on again. As usual, it worked. The droid's eyes lit up and its remaining limbs started moving around slightly. "Who the fuck are you and what the hell do you do?" Anakin said. "I'm C3PO you faggot, and I speak lots of languages." the droid replied. "Fucking hell, you're useless!" Anakin sighed. "Go fuck yourself you wankstain!" The droid replied. Anakin then decided to make the droid his personal slave because he couldn't actually reprogram a droid. "You are my slave now you bitch!" Anakin exclaimed but C3PO clearly wasn't happy about that as he tried to stand up and voice his anger. "What? This is outrageous, it's unfair! How can I be a highly advanced droid and not have a highly advanced job?!" However, Anakin just said "Take a seat motherfucker", asserting his organic dominance over the droid.

Anakin went to sleep a while after but woke up with a brilliant idea. He yeeted off of his pallet he slept on and ran towards the dick droid. "Oi, wake up you useless piece of shit! I need you for stuff!" but the droid just replied with a swift "fuck off you midget boi". Anakin slapped the uncooperative droid and went back to his pallet. Watto didn't give him a bed so he stole a pallet from his workshop. He struggled to sleep as he had a very good idea but the droid was a massive cunt so he had to wait to dewit. He eventually fell asleep and he dreamt of finally becoming a deathstick dealer, like his father before him.

The next day, the midget boi decided to be late for Watto just because Watto was a massive dick so he decided he would attempt to talk to the droid, who was just as much of an ass as Watto. It didn't go very well because as soon as Anakin walked into the room, the droid yelled "BEGONE THOT!" So Anakin left. He then went outside to work on his pile of crap that vaguely resembled a podracer. Anakin enjoyed podracing, especially running over those pesky womprats. That was actually how he broke Watto's podracer. Anakin thought he could easily flatten the slightly larger than average womprat but that wasn't the case. Anakin didn't like womprats almost as much as he hated sand.

For the seventeenth time that morning, Anakin tried turning the podracer off and on again, but it didn't work. He even tried taking the batteries out and putting them back in again. That also didn't work. This was why he needed to acquire credits. It was completely unheard of in the sandy slave community to buy something as they never had credits. Anakin would sell deathsticks to everyone, using the droids many languages to monopolise the art of selling deathsticks. He would then fix his podracer, enter the podracing competition and then leave the sandy hellhole known as Tatooine. It was a well-conceived plan, however there was great risk. If the dick nosed Watto found out, he would never leave Tatooine, forcing him to remain on the sand planet.

Anakin then realised that it was probably a good idea to go to Watto's so he wouldn't get pissed off or suspicious. He was probably both right now. He was usually at least one of them when he was around Anakin. Anakin then yeeted to Watto in record time and started turning broken stuff off and on again like the 'good' slave he was. Watto was too busy trying to con some travellers to notice Anakin not being there for an entire morning. That was a good thing as it allowed Anakin to devise the best way to execute his plan to leave the sand, and eventually destroy the shitty material.


	2. Convincing the fucktard droid

Anakin was still working at Watto's shithole well into the evening before the dickhead noticed the slave boy. "Get over here you fucker, I need those power converters in storage!" But Anakin forgot the power converters as he was too busy plotting to destroy the sand. "I don't have your shitty power converters ya cunt!" Anakin yelled back. Watto was pissed off. Watto angrily flew over to the slave boy and slapped him in the face as hard as he could. "Bloody hell!" Anakin shouted in feigned agony as Watto bitch slapped like a little... uhh... bitch. Anakin only pretended to get hurt otherwise Watto would attempt to shove the nearest rusty piece of metal up his ass and out his mouth. Anakin valued having his ass in one piece without tetanus.

Watto was so fucked off with the slave boy he made him organise his piles of crap throughout the night until the midget collapsed. Although Watto was pissed off with Anakin, the slave boy was the only one who could fix the shit delivered to him on a regular basis from scavengers. That was why Anakin was able to go home. Once Anakin got inside he went straight to his room but was stopped by his mother. "What happened ya cu-" "Watto" Anakin cut his mother off and he went straight to sleep as he was tired. He dreamed about destroying sand in one hundred and seven different ways.

Anakin was rudely awakened early in the morning by the droid. Anakin didn't like this so he yeeted "fuck off, I'm dreaming about sand you fucktard!" But the droid wasn't going to take any of his shit as he wanted to be fixed up. "Listen here you midget fuckboy, yer gonna fix me so I can leave your shit slave shack!" Anakin just casually replied with "k". C3PO's face showed visible confusion even though his face couldn't convey emotions due to the lack of moving parts. "Waddya mean 'k'?". Anakin replied "'k' means I'm gonna fix your fat ass but yer gonna help me with some shit first you cunt!"

And so he did. He spent a couple of hours turning parts of the droid off and on again whilst explaining his elaborate plan to the droid. Just like Anakin had thought earlier, the plan was well conceived, however there was great risk. The droid told him this, along with the fact that the chance of success was astronomically low. "Never tell me fucking odds!" Anakin shouted as he turned the shitty droid off and on again for the final time.

The next day, Anakin was suddenly awoken by the droid again. He wasn't happy that the shitstain of a droid kept on doing this. So he kicked the droid's robot leg. Anakin yelled in pain. Kicking a metal leg hurt. He told the droid to fuck off as he left for Watto's with the power converters Watto desperately needed. When Anakin finally arrived, he spent the morning stacking Watto's power converters in storage. While he was doing this, a potential customer was speaking to dick nose about a replacement repulsion system for his landspeeder.

Anakin managed to overhear the last part of the conversation as he passed the one and a half people on his way back to storage with more power converters. "Ahh, I will sell you the parts, along with the services of the fucktard to install them for an additional sixty six credits". Watto said, hoping to con the man for more money as Watto was a stingy bastard that liked credits. "That's a fuckin' brilliant idea mate! Gotta get ready for the deathstick delivery tomorrow night, I'd hate for any cunts to make off with meh deathsticks mate!" The man happily replied. He had an accent that Anakin did not recognise but Anakin immediately liked this man. The man then said "See ya mate" as he pulled out a tub of a brown paste like substance that seemed to be called "Vegemite" and ate it straight from the tub as he walked off.

The fact that an opportunity to acquire a large amount of deathsticks was a surprise to be sure, but a welcome one. Anakin started to formulate a plan in his mind but was stopped by Watto telling him to "hurry the fuck up you shitstain!" "I'm going you blue bastard!" Anakin yeeted back and turned to walk to the shitty storage shack. As Anakin walked off to put the last pile of crap away, he smiled and said to himself that "This is where the fun begins!".

Later that day, after Anakin got home, he decided to get the droid to help him plan his deathstick heist. "Oi, you bitchy droid, this is the important shit we talked about!" The droid replied with a "u wot mate". Anakin elaborated by explaining everything from the deathstick delivery to the mysterious Vegimite substance to C3PO. The droid saw just as much potential in the heist as Anakin did. They spent the evening improving on their plan, until they had a slight disagreement.

Anakin suggested spinning the ship if they decided to steal one for the heist, but the droid told him that "Spinning is not flying!" Anakin was visibly upset that the droid would doubt his amazing flying technique so he yeeted "BUT IT IS A FUCKING GOOD TRICK!" C3PO knew that he was in the wrong in the situation so he just remained still, void of any emotion, dwelling on his mistake of challenging the art of spinning.

They soon made up and continued to plan the deathstick heist, but it was getting late and Anakin needed his sleep. They finalised the heist plan and Anakin retreated to his pallet whilst the droid powered down. Anakin tried to get comfortable but couldn't sleep. "Fuuuucckk.." Anakin said as he stretched. He decided to think about destroying sand as that always helped him sleep. He soon drifted off after getting to the fifteenth way of destroying the fucking awful substance.


End file.
